Have you ever said something to your wife that you later regretted saying? Those foolish remarks made about your wife? Everyone has been there. Everyone has made snap decisions in the heat of the moment and regretted them the instant they were spoken.
The adage “words once spoken cannot be unsaid” is especially true when it comes to communication with our spouses.
Every relationship will inevitably experience arguments and annoyances, but how we handle these difficult situations and speak through them will determine whether the disagreement ends quickly or leaves deep scars.
This article looks at examples of things you don’t say to your wife and offers suggestions for more productive communication strategies.
Things you don’t say to your wife
In a marriage, disagreements and disappointments are normal, but you may preserve a strong bond and save your wife’s feelings by expressing your opinions in a more caring way. The dynamics of your relationship can be greatly impacted by the words you use.
1. The “you…” statements
Criticism should be avoided if it is in the form of “you” statements.
For example, saying “You never pay attention to me” or “You are constantly glued to your phone” can sound accusatory and defensive.
Instead, try starting sentences with “I” statements, such as “I feel ignored when we are having a conversation,” to express how her actions affect you without assigning blame.
2. The Hurtful Comparisons
Avoid making negative comparisons between your wife and others.
Hurtful comments like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “My friend’s wife always has a cleaner house” can harm your wife’s self-confidence.
Criticizing your wife in comparison to others can be damaging. Instead, address any concerns directly rather than involving outside sources.
3. The Mommy Comments
No woman desires to be viewed as a motherly figure by her husband when he suggests comparisons between his wife and mother.
Comments such as “Remember how my mom used to warm up my dinner?” or “You remind me of my mom when you nag” can make her feel like she is fulfilling a parental role rather than being seen as a romantic partner.
It is important to reconsider statements that equate your wife with your mother.
4. The questioning of her intelligence
Avoid statements that question her judgment or abilities.
Few things sting more than having your competence questioned by the person you love. Steer clear of replies like “Are you sure you want to do it that way?” or “Let me take care of that.”
Unless she explicitly asks for your advice or assistance, don’t undermine her decision-making needlessly.
5. The Body Shaming
Never insult your wife’s physical appearance.
Comments about your wife’s body, whether intended as jokes or not, are never acceptable.
Statements like “You’ve gotten a little thick around the middle” or “I liked your old haircut better” can devastate your wife’s self-confidence. Build her up, don’t tear her down.
6. Questioning Her Priorities
Comments that question how your wife spends her time or what she deems important can make her feel criticized and unappreciated.
Statements like “You care more about your job than our family” or “Why did you waste money on that?” demean the things that matter to her.
Instead of passing judgment, have an open discussion about her motivation and perspective. Say something like, “Help me understand why this is a priority for you right now.”
Make an effort to appreciate her dedication, even if her focus differs from your own. Questioning her choices or insinuating she has her priorities out of order will likely leave her feeling disrespected and resentful.
7. The Spouse-Blaming
Avoid shifting responsibility onto her unfairly.
In times of disagreement, refrain from seeking justification for your actions by accusing your wife, such as saying, “You made me angry enough to shout” or “If you didn’t do X, I wouldn’t have done Y.” Showing accountability means owning up to your behaviors.
Focus on owning up to your mistakes in the way you handled a situation rather than using “I” statements to highlight your shortcomings. One way to apologize is to say something like, “I apologize for raising my voice at you; I will work on controlling my temper going forward.” By taking ownership of your actions, you can reduce the possibility that you will wrongly assign blame.
Unless her priorities put her or your family at risk, criticizing where she chooses to dedicate herself accomplishes nothing but hurt. Validate her ability to determine what’s important in her own life.
8. The Sarcastic Digs
Sarcasm and put-downs can chip away at your foundation. While witty banter is part of many couples’ repertoire, sarcastic quips that put down your wife’s character or make light of her intelligence or abilities can cause resentment over time.
Comments like “Well, aren’t you just hilarious today?” or “It’s amazing you can even get dressed by yourself” may seem innocuous in the moment but reinforce feelings of belittlement.
If you notice yourself slipping into mocking or sarcastic jabs during disagreements, catch yourself. Pivot to communicating earnestly, without an air of disrespect or condescension that could permanently damage your wife’s self-esteem and perception of your esteem for her.
9. The Criticism of Parenting
Do not disparage her methods of parenting. If you disagree with your wife’s parenting choices, politely discuss them in private rather than criticizing her harshly or asking, “Why did you give them so much dessert?” Correcting or disagreeing with the children challenges her authority in front of them.
Talk freely about agreeing on schedules, punishment methods and other issues at a later date. Instead of assigning blame, starting with “I think we may have different perspectives on…” invites discussion.
10. The Unsolicited Advice
Does your wife have a passion project or hobby she’s invested in? Tread lightly when making comments like, “Don’t you think you’re spending too much time on that?” or “Is this really a good use of your energy?” Unless she specifically asks for your perspective, criticizing her personal interests comes across as dismissive and dampens her enthusiasm.
Instead, ask questions to show curiosity about what excites her. Or simply voice your support: “I love seeing you so passionate about scrapbooking. It’s a great creative outlet for you.”
11. The Misspeaking Blame Game
Don’t accuse her of deliberate miscommunication. Comments that insinuate your wife is purposely not listening, misunderstanding or twisting your words breed resentment.
Phrases like “You’re just hearing what you want to hear” or “Are you even paying attention?” accuse her of willful disregard rather than a simple miscommunication.
Unless you have clear evidence of intentional deception, give her the benefit of the doubt that misunderstandings are unintentional. Rephrase your point calmly rather than laying blame: “Let me try explaining it another way…”
12. The Predictive Pessimism
Don’t make assumptions about inevitable failure. Wives often share hopes, plans and ambitions with their husbands, hoping for enthusiasm and encouragement.
Responding with immediately dismissive statements like “Yeah, that’ll never work out” or “You’re setting yourself up for disappointment” is like dousing her dreams with cold water before she even tries.
Until your wife directly solicits your opinion on the feasibility of her goals, lead with optimism and support. Let her maintain her motivation by keeping doubtful predictions to yourself. You can of course correct it if needed later.
13. The Complisult
Few comments make a wife feel more devalued than a backhanded compliment that gets undermined by a qualifier.
Phrases like “You look great…for your age” or “That dress is beautiful, but it’d look better if you did something different with your hair” tank an intended ego boost by assigning a nitpicky criticism.
If you’re not prepared to celebrate your wife with an enthusiastic, unvarnished compliment, it’s better to stay quiet than sandwich in a slight that negates the praise. She’d likely prefer no compliment over one that subtly insults an aspect of her identity she can’t change.
14. The Freudian Slip Insults
When “just joking” stops being funny. We all slip up occasionally and say something without malicious intent that comes out totally wrong. But repeatedly excusing hurtful, insulting statements as “just jokes” or claiming “You know I didn’t really mean that” erodes your wife’s ability to feel emotionally safe expressing vulnerability around you.
Quips about her intelligence, appearance, or other sensitive areas that you dismiss as “slips of the tongue” eventually form a narrative that she can’t fully trust you with her insecurities without risking ridicule. Show her you’re worthy of her trust by being accountable for your words instead of brushing them off.
Conclusion
When examining the phrases you casually use, it becomes evident that many of them actually carry hidden insults, sarcastic remarks, or unnecessary critiques that can gradually diminish your wife’s confidence.
Holding your tongue takes practice, but like any discipline, it gets easier over time. Mastering stillness and considering your words carefully before allowing them to breach could be one of the greatest gifts, one of the highest forms of respect, you give your wife. Because oftentimes, in marriage, the things you don’t say are as profound as the things you do.
