Mothers have an enormous influence over their children, even more so than fathers. It is little wonder why children whose mothers suffered from negative personality traits were more likely to experience anxiety and depression and were at higher risk of self-harm.
Toxicity can easily rub off on children. If you are toxic and always act negatively towards others, it’s likely you were raised by a toxic mother or even a toxic father. Children usually end up modeling their childhood lives while growing up. You want to know if your mother was toxic so you can work on yourself and address every unfavorable tendency that may have resulted.
This article serves as a guide to help you relate some of “your negativity” to your childhood so you can make the necessary changes and become a better person.
So how do you know if your childhood was normal? If you are unsure about being raised by a toxic mother, then I am here to clear your doubts.
The 8 Clearly Visible Signs You Had a Toxic Mother
Here are 8 signs you were raised by a toxic mom that you probably overlooked earlier.
1. Constant Criticism and Emotional Abuse
One of the most common 8 signs a toxic mother raised you is when you get constantly criticized and receive emotional abuse from them.
In research conducted by Dr. Peg Streep, the author of “Mean Mothers,” Children raised by toxic mothers frequently experience a barrage of disparaging remarks and belittlement, which results in low self-esteem and self-worth. These children grow up feeling that their accomplishments are never good enough and struggle with a constant fear of failure.
A mother is supposed to provide you with love and affection. Toxic mothers withhold or find it difficult to do so. They make comments like, “You better be grateful I put food on the table for you; you better be grateful I put clothes on your back; you better be grateful I still keep you in my house…,” as if it’s not their duty. Babies can’t provide for themselves, can they? That’s what a mother signed up for, and we should live up to it.
Your sense of self-worth might suffer if you don’t feel loved by the person who matters most in your life. Your subconscious mind could feel like, “How can anyone love me when my mother did not, or at least showed it?” In self-defense, you put up barriers to protect yourself from negative criticism, making it difficult for you to trust or love people.
You might end up acting too needy and seeking validation. If you constantly feel like you don’t deserve to be loved or you’re not worth anything, then it could be a sign you were raised by a toxic mother.
2. You Handle Stress Poorly
Another sign you were raised by a toxic mother is revealed in the way you handle stress. You are prone to anxiety and do not know how to handle stress properly. Evidence suggests that children who experience neglect from their mothers at an early age are more likely to suffer from anxiety and stress.
The polyvagal theory further explains this. It states that our ability to self-soothe and calm ourselves (a strong vagal nerve) is linked to repeated reassurance from our mothers. When we are repeatedly reassured, we learn to anticipate that help is coming.
That mere thought and anticipation calm us down. If you were left to cry as a baby, you learned that no one was coming. As a result, your ability to calm yourself was damaged, causing you to develop a weak vagus nerve.
3. She Lacks Empathy and is Emotionally Unavailable
Ever remember having a mother who treated you with a lack of empathy and was always emotionally unavailable every time you needed her? This is one of the eight sure signs you were raised by a toxic mother.
Growing up with a mother who lacks empathy and is emotionally unavailable can have a profound impact on a child’s emotional development. When your mother consistently fails to understand or acknowledge your feelings and needs, you may feel unseen and unheard, leading to a sense of emotional neglect.
As a result, you may have internalized these experiences and struggled to cultivate empathy and emotional availability in your own relationships. Truth is, children constantly mirror their parents in all they do. That’s how they learn how to talk, walk, and do things generally. So, it is not unnatural if you show traits of your mom’s irritable behavior towards you.
However, it is important to recognize that these patterns you have learned over the years can be unlearned. You would have to go through some self-reflection, therapy, and a commitment to breaking the cycle of toxicity. Remember, you can heal and grow by understanding the impact of your upbringing. Take steps to develop healthier emotional connections with people and nurture empathy.
4. Controlling and Manipulative Behavior
If your mother treated you with a controlling and manipulative attitude when you were a child and even now, it is likely that she was toxic. Being raised by a toxic mother who displays controlling and manipulative behavior can negatively impact a child’s ability to make decisions or do things on their own.
In fact, the controlling and manipulative behavior exhibited by toxic mothers leaves their children feeling trapped and powerless. Dr. Susan Forward, a renowned therapist and author of “Toxic Parents,” explains that such behavior can include excessive control over personal choices and isolation from friends and family.
This manipulation can result in emotional blackmail, where the child is made to feel responsible for their mother’s happiness or problems. This is often common among single mothers.
They put the pain of going through a divorce or losing their husbands on the innocent child, tarnishing the child’s sense of self-worth and making them feel like their birth was such a mistake. If you ever felt like this, then it’s likely your mother was toxic. This is never for you to hate her in any way. Love her; you never know the situation she passed through that influenced her behavior negatively.
Remember that love can heal all negativity. It lets one see the beauty hidden within, which negativity and bad situations have shrouded. Love, love, love!
5. You are Shamed By Your Imperfections and tend to Withdraw
Children of toxic mothers reflexively behave in two distinct ways. They either strive for perfection or procrastinate. Every child loves getting approval and attention from their parents.
If you were often criticized as a child, you are likely to strive hard for perfection to get that approval. Such children internalize the belief that their worth is tied to meeting the impossibly high standards of their toxic parents.
On the other hand, if the criticism is overwhelming and degrading and they can’t cope anymore, they could feel tempted to withdraw. After all, nothing they do is ever good enough, so it’s better to give up trying. This leads to procrastination, making them retreat, become hesitant, and avoid their life pursuits.
Keep in mind that you are not defined by your toxic mother’s criticism if you notice these signs. Embrace your imperfections and develop a healthier, more self-affirming mindset.
6. You Struggle with Making Decisions.
Even as an adult, it might be a sign that your mother was toxic to you if you have trouble making decisions. Dr. Mai Stafford’s study examined the effects of parental control on young children. The study revealed that “psychological control in parenting includes not allowing children to make their own decisions, invading their privacy, and fostering dependence.”
Every child has their own will and needs. They are to be allowed to make their own independent choices, especially when it has to do with their career or future. There are many cases of people whose mothers dictated everything they did and even forced them to study a course in college against their will. Sadly, today, they regret it and don’t find fulfillment in the chosen field or career their mom chose for them.
Parents are supposed to teach their children about coping in the real world without compelling them to be dependent on them for everything. That is psychological torture and abuse. If your mother made all of your life’s decisions for you, this could be a sign she was toxic.
You could retrace your steps today and start making decisions for yourself and doing the right things. Take charge of your life positively. Meanwhile, it’s also possible that her decisions were right, so don’t go out and accuse your mother of being toxic if all she did was make sure you ended up on the right path.
7. Your Mother was a Narcissist
If your mother is a narcissist, then it is an obvious sign you were raised by a toxic mother. Narcissists typically use people to get what they want, and then they dump them just after. Narcissists can be dramatic and loud this minute and then switch to silent treatment the next minute. They withhold affection and are prone to blaming others for their predicament.
Narcissists are naturally attention seekers, and this may be confusing to a child. The mother, who’s supposed to nurture the child, is the one seeking attention and nurturing from the child. When they don’t get what they want, a narcissist is thrown into a rage.
Studies have shown that children of narcissists suffer from flashbacks and nightmares. They also find it difficult to initiate or maintain lasting relationships because they got the idea from their mother that people can’t be trusted. If this seems like what you are currently experiencing, then it is among the 8 signs you were raised by a toxic mother.
8. You Rebel Against Your Mother
This sign borders on rebelling against your mother. If you grew up in a strict home, you may get to go against everything your mother stood for as a sign of defiance. Maybe her attitude has gone overboard and you can’t take it anymore but to rebel against her as a defense mechanism.
It could also be that she was physically abusive towards you, leading to your showing aggression as a counterreaction. Research shows that children who grow up in a harsh and cold environment have a greater chance of showing aggression and callous-unemotional (CU) traits. Abused children are sensitive to changes in the atmosphere. They are quick to respond to a perceived threat. They become accustomed to adjusting their behavior to suit situations.
Here’s What To Do
If you were raised by a toxic mother, chances are that the toxicity has rubbed off on you. Here’s how to help yourself:
1. Acknowledge your feelings
Recognize and accept the emotions that arise from your experiences with your toxic mother. It’s normal to feel hurt, anger, sadness, or confusion. Allow yourself to process these emotions without judgment.
2. Forgive and let go
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning or forgetting the past, but rather freeing yourself from the burden of holding onto anger and resentment. Unforgiveness will finish you because everyone is guilty of something and needs forgiveness. No one is justified in holding grudges against anyone. Never let it grow.
Let go of the resentments you hold against your parents. It allows you to focus on your growth and happiness. Love your mother like never before. Cherish her, especially if you resent her. You get to see the beauty in you by loving “your enemies.” And she also gets to grow when she is loved and cherished.
3. Outgrow it
Growth is a process. It never comes from quick fixes. Read self-help books, attend workshops, or engage in therapy to gain insights and learn healthy coping strategies. Focus on building resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness.
4. Challenge negative beliefs
Toxic environments can often lead to a negative self-perception. Challenge these beliefs by focusing on your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities. Engage in positive affirmations and self-compassion to counteract any negative self-talk.
5. Build a support network
Surround yourself with positive and supportive individuals who uplift and inspire you. Cultivate healthy relationships with people who value and respect you for who you are. You can also reach out to a therapist or seek special support if your mental health is affected and needs some form of healing.
The Takeaway from the 8 Signs You Were Raised By A Toxic Mother
“Parents give us a stable base from which to explore the world, while warmth and responsiveness have been shown to promote social and emotional development. By contrast, psychological control can limit a child’s independence and leave them less able to regulate their psychological behavior.” Dr. Mai Stafford
If you notice or remember experiencing one or more of these 8 signs you were raised by a toxic mother, then it’s time to take charge of your life. Start living positively and intentionally countering these traits in yourself. Bear in mind that your mother did her best, as far as she knows, and you have the chance to change the narrative.
Don’t pass it on to your children. Seek support and therapy if necessary, and surround yourself with positive influences. Healing and personal growth are possible, and by understanding the impact of your upbringing, you can break free from the cycle of toxicity and create a healthier future for yourself.
